(see also: self-loathing, self-worth)
I think it’s important to earn one’s own self-respect. What does that mean? Well, you have to have a sense of what you respect in people, and then you have to conduct yourself in a way that you deem respectable.
I respect people who are…
Friendly. Sometimes friendliness is a “cope”, meaning a person might play the role of a friendly person primarily because they’re afraid of conflict, afraid of being disliked, of upsetting others and so on. You can tell when this is going on when there’s a certain neediness about the person’s gestures, which is off-putting, even as it is understandable.
Thoughtful. Being able to think about things is a gift.
Sensitive. This is another way of saying “perceptive”.
Curious. Wanting to know things. Having a sense of awe and delight at exploring the unknown.
Courageous. The willingness to face up to one’s fears and anxieties. It’s the most normal, human thing to have fears. One of the challenges of life is to face those fears, to get to know them,
Non-coercive. I define coercion as the use of violence, threats, bullying, shaming, etc as a way of getting things done. I’m not entirely a pacifist – I think armies are necessary, for example, in order for a nation to protect itself from external violence. But I don’t like that they have to exist, and I would want a general who shares that sentiment. One should never be gleeful about having to use violence.
Non-needy. Depending on how you were raised, and maybe on your innate personality, it can take a lot of work to get to a place of non-neediness. My belief is that non-needy people almost naturally become nourishing and non-coercive.
Nourishing. Some people are exhausting just to interact with. Talking to them feels like a lot of work without any sort of meaningful payoff. Oscar Wilde said, “a bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.” A nourishing person is the opposite of that. Interacting with them is joyful. They see the best in you, and encourage it.
Patient. Anything worth doing takes time. I respect people who appreciate this, and who demonstrate that appreciation in their actions.
Introspective. You could think of this as self-directed curiosity. It also takes courage to be properly introspective.
Funny. I think humor can be a sacred thing if it’s appreciated properly. An unfortunate amount of comedy turns out to be about “punching down”, or otherwise subjecting people to ridicule and mockery. That’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a certain cosmic perspective. Think about someone sharing a funny story at a eulogy that’s somehow meaningful and compelling, that celebrates the life of the deceased. Then think about what it would be like to celebrate life as you’re living it.
Ambitious. Ambition is often interpreted to mean “prestige-seeking”, but I don’t think of it in those terms. Wanting money, power, fame, prestige, etc for their own sakes… I’m not going to fault anybody for having desires, but they are relatively underwhelming and commonplace desires. The question is, what are you going to do with all of those things?
Honest. I’m particularly thinking about intellectual honesty, which means admitting mistakes and errors, admitting uncertainty.
Kind. What does it really mean to be kind, in practice? Well, the opposite of cruel…
to be updated.