I’ve kind of developed a name for myself as “the friendly guy”. My book is titled FRIENDLY AMBITIOUS NERD. I like to go on the Internet and make friends.
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You can spend years arguing with idiots, or you can spend years making friends. The idiots aren’t going to be there for you when you need help.
If you’re playing the public twitter game, you gotta know what you’re optimising for, or you’ll likely get swept up in other people’s nonsense. In my case I’m optimising to make thoughtful + kind + interesting friends around the world. I think I’m doing pretty good so far.
If I had the time, I would happily argue with every single person about every single thing until they collapse from exhaustion. Unfortunately time is limited, so time arguing with idiots is time not spent with my wife, who is a lot more fun & interesting & deserving of my time.
I’m currently almost exclusively following mutuals (everybody else is on lists). These 300+ (update: now 900+) people mostly fit the bill of thoughtful + kind + interesting, and I am so looking forward to having dinner and/or drinks with them someday. And I’m definitely missing out on 100s of others.
My primary goal is to keep expanding this thread indefinitely, to keep getting to know more lovely people like this.
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There is an art to replying and commenting, and probably like 60-70% of people I’ve seen on the internet fail at it. The important thing is not to speak your mind, but to “support” the OP. You can support them by disagreeing well & you can “mis-support” them by agreeing stupidly.
Every “utterance” (status, tweet, whatever) is a bit of an invitation, a bit of a proposal. “Let’s play this game”. When strangers read the proposal accurately, and support the game, a shared understanding develops. You can make friends this way.
Some people deliberately choose to ignore, misread, disregard or denounce other people’s bids. Others are outright clueless and don’t know how to play, and sometimes cluelessness leads to worse bungling than deliberate malice (JJ’s razor)
I was a lot more belligerent and disagreeable when I was younger, in part because I simplistically thought playing other people’s games was a sheep-like way to live. Why should I support other people’s dumb games? Why not mock them instead? It’s easy, and intoxicating.
I learned that you rarely build anything worthwhile that way. The “best” case scenario: you win over other disagreeable people. A few years of this & it becomes the world you live in – surrounded by other belligerent assholes who don’t know or care how to play nice. A cursed life. (See also: Ben Shapiro’s way of being.)
We can’t choose where we are born, or our family, and our initial set of friends is heavily influenced by happenstance. But we can choose who we want to be associated with subsequently. All problems are interpersonal problems, but we kind of get to choose which ones we want.
Many different lines of enquiry have led me to this same following conviction:
The best guiding question in life is, “Who do you want to share this life with?”
Everything else can be determined from this question. Your ethics, beliefs, actions, habits…
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“I approach you in the same spirit as a musician with his piano or a violinist with his violin. I just want you to enjoy a point of view that I enjoy.” — Alan Watts
Examples:
❌Noobs: You made a mistake, haha, gotcha! I win, you lose! Suck it, sucker!
✅Friends: Was that a mistake? It’s interesting how we both things wrong in distinct ways, that reveal our underlying assumptions and allow us to come to a better understanding of ourselves. I appreciate u
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Noobs: wow youre incredibly stupid, ffs, wtf is wrong with you? Astoundingly pathetic. Delete your account
Friends: have u considered X? What are your thoughts on Y? When u say A, do you mean that if B happens, you would do C? Just trying to understand where you’re coming from
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Noobs: wow you are so amazingly full of yourself. Who made you an authority on this? What the fuck do you know?
Friends: I love how passionate you are about this! Here’s a related thing I saw once, maybe you’ll find it interesting too? Eager to see where you go with all of this!
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Noob-minus: this is the worst thing I have ever read
Noob-plus: this is the best thing I have ever read
Friends: you’re on to something here! I really liked the part where you talked about X, it made me think about Y. I was kinda hoping for more about Z, but that’s just my POV
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In some ways, my life’s work is about assembling a sort of tavern for psychonauts, explorers, wanderers, vagabonds, tinkerers, polymaths.
They are the kids reading under their desks, writing fanfiction, making films, taking apart computers, making art, questioning everything.
When I die, these are the folks I want at my funeral. The fact that some of them follow me on Twitter, that I’ve met some, gets me emotional.
It’s amazing how you can find them in plain sight amidst people who have no idea what they are. Like Joshua Bell playing at the subway.
All you have to do is be around them, treat them with dignity and respect, say something nice from time to time, be supportive but not pushy.
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My favorite bits from Francis Bacon’s Of Discourse
- don’t be tedious
- let other people talk
- if someone is hogging, cut him off
- ask questions that people can look good answering
- don’t be a poser with smartass questions
- don’t bitch about others
- eloquence is overrated
- It’s Not About You
My favorite bits from George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation:
- Respect others
- If your friend has lice, remove it privately
- When visiting the sick, don’t play physician
- “Undertake not to teach your equal in the art himself professes”
- Take all admonition thankfully
- Use no reproachful language
- ”Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of any”
- Associate with quality people
- No malice or envy
- Don’t intimidate the ignorant
- Don’t ruin the mood; if someone else does, fix it
- Don’t laugh at others’ misfortune
- Be courteous
- Give not advice without being asked
- Reprehend not the imperfection of others
- Gaze not on the blemishes of others and ask not how they came
- Think before you speak
- When another speaks, be attentive and do not interrupt
- Don’t relate news if you don’t know the truth
- Be not tedious in discourse
- Be not curious to know the affairs of others
- In disputes, be not desirous to overcome; give liberty to each to deliver his opinion
- Be not angry at the table whatever happens
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