When I was a broke teenager, my older friends often insisted on paying for drinks or meals. I used to feel a potent mix of gratitude and shame at this. I deeply appreciated the help, but I often also felt embarrassed, like I was a helpless “charity case”.
A few years later, I got a job that paid better than I dared to believe I was worth at the time. So I found myself in the privileged position of being able to treat others in turn. And then it all clicked for me. It’s the circle of life! Why didn’t any of my older friends point this out to me? (Well… perhaps they did, and I was too busy grovelling to notice.)
Anyway – so these days, when I get the opportunity to treat younger or less privileged friends, I don’t say, “Don’t worry about it, it’s on me.” Because I clearly remember how I still felt guilty when my friends said that, even though I know that they meant it with absolute sincerity and kindness.
Instead I say, “My mentors treated me, so now I’m treating you – and I’m counting on you to treat the next kid.” I love noticing how their eyes light up at this. Because now they’re no longer merely a recipient of charity. Now they are part of something much bigger than either of us, and they have an opportunity to keep something going.
Isn’t it one of the coolest stories to hear about how people sometimes offer to pay for the groceries of the next person in line, and then that person does the same, and it goes on and on? Technically speaking, it’s not a particularly “big deal”. It’s typically a small-ish amount of money. Yet there’s something very life-affirming about these stories, isn’t there? One lady described feeling euphoric at having started such a chain. And I think I relate to that feeling: it makes the world seem like a slightly less lonely place.
So if you ever find yourself thinking, “I don’t know how to accept this much love,” the answer is to pass it on!
If you were raised in a tough environment, if you’ve been lonely and isolated for most of your life, suddenly receiving a lot of love can be quite a shock to the system. You might find yourself subconsciously resisting it, because it seems so foreign. What’s the catch? You’ve never received nice things before, so what’s happening here?
Something else that I didn’t fully appreciate when I was younger: When people help you from a place of sincere kindness, in a way that brings them joy to help you, it can actually be kind of you in turn to let them! If you sense that it’s genuine, don’t resist it. Pay it forward.
I’ve also found it really heartening to use this frame when people gush at me with admiration. Sometimes I get people on Twitter saying things to me like, “I can’t thank you enough, you’ve changed my life.” It’s tempting for me to think, “Hah, I’m so great.” And it’s tempting to simply say, “You’re very welcome,” and leave it at that. Which is a valid response, of course. But the coolest thing to say is, you guessed it: “Pass it on! 🥰”
It’s how I choose to interact with my own heroes, too. Rather than gush at them excessively (which then becomes something that they have to manage), I thank them as calmly as I can, and let them know that their work has passed through me and is now helping other people in turn. The responses are always wonderful as well. Some of my heroes are now my friends because of this.
People love to feel appreciated. People love to feel like they made a difference. People love to feel like they’re a part of something bigger than themselves.
Pass it on.
✱
P.S. For my 20th birthday, my friends (who were as broke as I was) pooled together their $$ and bought me a Starbucks gift card with ~S$200, to encourage me to write. On retrospect it was one of the loveliest things that people did for me, and I try to pay that forward.
No follower count, no award or accolade will ever taste as sweet as the feeling of my friends believing in me when I was a total nobody. ❤️
Wholesome as always visa