How To Bullshit Everybody With An Inspirational Success Story, Sans Facts
Medium · Observations & Humor · 2014 · 993 words
A satirical essay deconstructs the typical inspirational success story narrative by recounting the author's own exaggerated journey.
How To Bullshit Everybody With An Inspirational Success Story, Sans Facts
I was a procrastinating underachiever. Then I decided to Follow My Dream and play in a rock band, sell t-shirts BUILD A SUCCESSFUL FASHION ECOMMERCE STARTUP, meet the Prime Minister of Singapore and get followed by Marc Andreessen on Twitter.
As Noah Kagan said when he looked at my Quora Top Writer stats, "holy moly."
This was me in Junior College. I was sad, depressed, sleep-deprived, constantly tired, lethargic, just generally in a horrible place.
I hated school. I was ostracized by my classmates because I didn't embrace the system. (Actually they were nice people who were just having fun with this photo, but don't get in the way of my narrative! I was oppressed and bullied, boo-hoo. But all of that negativity would not get me down! I would channel it into something Insanely Great one day.)
Then one day, when I was wondering why the world wasn't rewarding me for all my smartness, I watched a TED talk. It was about this guy who made a reusable rocket and electric cars. He didn't embrace the system. He threw it on the ground.
So cool, this dude.
I was so Inspired!
Then I decided to Look Into My Soul and Follow My Passion, which was music. So I Followed My Dreams, and next thing you know, I was onstage at the Esplanade Powerhouse Stage, one of the coolest, biggest and baddest stages in Singapore. I was a rock star!
But the rockstar life was hollow and vapid for me, and so I left. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's really, really hard to make a living as a musician, and that getting the opportunity to play on a great stage doesn't necessarily mean anything at all about your value as a musician. (Inconvenient facts.)
I decided to Follow My Real Dream, which was to be an entrepreneur. So I decided to start selling t-shirts. What do you know? GREAT SUCCESS! This was my True Calling all along!
All these people bought my t-shirts.
This must have little to do with the fact that I happened to stumble into a niche market at a time where people were craving nostalgia and identity, and everything to do with the fact that I Am The Chosen One With A True Passion.
I had to overcome a lot of difficulty to do this. People didn't believe it was possible to make a living selling things online. I had to argue with a lot of people really long and hard on Facebook. But here I am.
I became so successful that I started hanging out with handsome male models at exclusive fashion events. They told me that I could have been a handsome male model just like them. But no, I told them. Entrepreneurs Must Make Sacrifices. So I am not a male model right now.
I was so successful that I was invited to meet the Prime Minister of Singapore, Lee Hsien Loong. So successful! Much passion, much dream. If you believe it badly enough, and you dream hard enough, it will happen.
He wanted to know how to be a successful entrepreneur like me.
My story is very inspiring. You should learn from me. You should share with everybody on Facebook and Twitter so all your friends know that this is the sort of Inspiring Story that you spend your time reading, instead of bitching about your colleagues and fake friends.
Oh yah, last but not least. I'm writing this blogpost while contemplating the fleeting nature of existence at Batu Ferrengi, in the exotic land of Penang, Malaysia. This is because Entrepreneurship Is Freedom. (Ignore the inconvenient time-stamp pls.) Also, for some reason, Whitebros are really obsessed with hanging out on the beaches of Southeast Asia.
You can do it too. Oh, wait, you need an inspiring quote. Let me pull one out of my arse:
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. –Pablo Picasso
One more thing… you need a vague listicle of seeming actionables:
1: Figure out what your real true passion is. Ignore what everybody else tells you, they don't know anything. Read a lot of books. Especially books about successful entrepreneurs, like Benjamin Franklin or Paris Hilton.
2: It will be very hard. My mother still wants to know why I'm not going to University. Sometimes I see people wearing shirts and ties and I shed a tear, because I've never worn a shirt and tie to work in my life.
3: It will be very lonely. Most people don't know what is entrepreneurship. They go to business school, but business school is a fake artificial construct! You must learn business in the SCHOOL OF LIFE.
4: I was full of inner turbulence and doubt. Many of my close friends told me that I was just sour grapes because I didn't study. They needed to validate their own life scripts because they were sinking all their time and energy into studying while I was playing video games and smoking cigarettes. I was depressed and suicidal for a couple of years. BUT I MADE IT. The struggle is real.
5: One day, you too will write Inspiring Stories about your own Life's Calling. Make sure you always have photographers to take pictures of you. Make friends with media people. They will share your story even if it's fake or unverified. Views are the only thing that matter.
6: Make sure you take a picture of yourself on the beach. Everybody fucking loves beaches. Beaches are like, signs of Real Ultimate Freedom.
I have a lot of purpose and perspective on life. I have Figured It All Out. I did this by Following My Dream. One day you will too. And together we will all achieve zero carbon emission as a species, help small businesses, and make life multi-planetary. Elon bless you.
Follow my inspiring bullshit story on Twitter.
Originally published at https://medium.com/@visakanv/how-to-bullshit-everybody-with-an-inspirational-success-story-sans-facts-e205ad0aa323.