Not Making Any Life Decisions At 18
Medium · Personal Growth & Self-Improvement · 2015 · 1.2k words
Visa recounts his refusal to make life decisions at eighteen and the consequences of that choice.
Not Making Any Life Decisions At 18
I didn't trust the world. And I didn't trust myself. So I refused to choose. Took me years to realize that that's a choice, too.
_Originally published at_ [_poachedmag.com_](http://poachedmag.com/2013/10/08/not-making-any-life-decisions-at-18/) _on October 8, 2013._
_Shuli wrote a beautiful article recently called "_[_Making The Decision That Shaped My Life At 1_](http://poachedmag.com/2013/09/19/making-the-decision-that-shaped-my-life-at-18/)_8". It was a beautiful piece, and I admire her for writing it. I'd like to present you with the other (my) side of the picture._
"You don't have a choice at 18″, she said.
Actually, you kinda do. You can choose _not_ to go to a college or university. It's true that this is an excruciatingly hard choice if you have access to scholarships, but it _is_ a choice.
Alternatively, you can choose a lifestyle which _guarantees_ that college won't be an option for you. I spent my years playing computer games, building websites, reading, writing, playing basketball, learning the guitar, smoking, drinking, playing in a band, organizing gigs and arguing with people on the internet. I've got rejection letters from all the local universities to show for it.
Image credit: Forums.intpcentral.com
Does that sound pleasant? It wasn't.
I woke up every morning feeling sick to my stomach. I was going to get in trouble for the homework I hadn't done that day. I was okay with being a loser, but I hated that it ruined my teachers' moods. My parents were constantly called up to school to explain my behaviour. My dad would be angry, and my mum would be helpless.
I had classmates calling my house to ask for me because I didn't do my share of group work projects. (Yes, I was _that_ guy. I am so sorry). Once I answered the phone and pretended to be my own sister, to say that I wasn't home.
It was very sad.
My horrible habits from my childhood continue to torment me to this day. I constantly miss deadlines and appointments, and am a generally unreliable, irresponsible person.
^ This photo sums up my entire JC experience.
My classmates were lovely, but I never really built any lasting relationships with anybody… probably because I was sleep-deprived most of the time.
I flunked my first year in JC, and had to repeat. I was detached. I would skip classes to sleep at the back of the school hall. I would sneak off to smoke in toilets and stairwells.
I still have the journal I kept at the time, and the pages are filled with **_"Why aren't you studying? What is wrong with you?"_** On hindsight, I think I actually might've had clinical depression at some point.
Image credit: Funnyjunk
I spent two years in NS. I was slightly less miserable than I was in JC. I stopped taking any money from my parents, and learnt to manage my finances. Being stuck in a absurd dead-end role with no meaningful responsibilities, I developed a rather philosophical perspective on suffering and servitude. I also blogged regularly during this time.
Then I took a sort-of-gap-year where I retook my A levels as a private candidate. A friend had convinced me that it was a good idea. I in turn, managed to convince my parents that I wasn't a worthless bum if I was studying for something. In reality, I think I just wanted to see if I could get my act together on my own. (I couldn't.)
I still blogged fairly regularly. I mostly complained about our education system, the state of our media. I also wrote a bunch of stuff about the General Elections in 2011, and spent a lot of time being a dickish smartass on Facebook. A few of my blogposts were moderately popular, some of them getting over 10,000 views.
Then I got invited to meet the Prime Minister.
In person, he's a really, really smart, sweet and thoughtful person.
I didn't cut my hair. I didn't shave. I was unemployed at this point, and had little more than an incomplete GCE 'A' Level certificate.
The blogpost I wrote about that event got me headhunted by a tech startup, where I'm now happily employed. I get to wear slippers to work every day, and I get paid to write and interact with smart, thoughtful people. It seemed like a crazy fluke then, but I've gotten several other job offers since, all of which I have turned down. I still don't actually have a resume.
I was pretty resigned to the idea of being a contract teacher after I was done screwing up my 'A' levels for the second time. But I was never going to give up writing. I'm still writing every day, if I can. Something I wrote a couple of days ago went viral on Hacker News, and now my inbox is filling up with offers to build my app, and requests for help.
The question remains: **Would I encourage anybody to flunk their exams on purpose?** No, absolutely not. That's an insult to the people who struggle everyday with the inability to follow their own orders. I have serious discipline issues which damage the relationships I have with the people I care about. This is ugly, this is death and decay and absolutely not something you should fantasize or aspire towards. I bet you that there are hundreds of people out there just like me, and they face ridicule. _"Why are you so lazy? What is wrong with you?"_
These are the people I wrote for.
Image credit: Tumblr
I know that this post might look like a humblebrag. _"Look at me, I didn't put in any effort in life and yet I'm so successful!"_
But when I look in the mirror I see an irresponsible man with a horrible history of ruined relationships. I look at someone who's struggled with self-discipline and procrastination. I see a man who constantly disappoints his friends and family. My father called me a couple of weeks ago to tell him how upset he was with me for not having called or visited in a while. What could I have said? _"I'm sorry, I've been spending my time trying to play catch-up with work and I'm too disappointed in myself to show my face?"_
I think I have been glorifying my own life, lifestyle and history before, and I don't want to do that anymore. But I ultimately felt like I had to write this for the same reason Shuli must've felt that she had to write hers. Because there are surely others who've felt the same way, and it's nice not to feel so alone in something. Because I keep receiving emails from JC students asking for help, because they're desperate and feel overwhelmed by life in a world that doesn't make sense to them. Life is hard, and we all deserve all the help we can get from each other.
Ten years ago, I'd have mocked someone like Shuli. It would have been my way of distracting myself from my own pain and weaknesses. I would've seen her as a servant of the system.
But I'm a servant myself, to my own appetites and base desires, and I'm no happier for it. Today, I am glad to call her a friend. Life is hard for everybody.
We could all afford to be kinder to one another, and we could all use some of each other's perspectives.
_Follow me on_ [_Twitter_](http://www.twitter.com/visakanv)_._
Originally published at https://medium.com/@visakanv/not-making-any-life-decisions-at-18-cf2a72a69d7d.