Today I am feeling a little weak and naked and insecure. I have not yet showered, I have not yet brushed my teeth, my fingers still smell of the cigarette I smoked last night, one too many, I told myself 3 a day until New Year’s, then 0, but that was number 4…
today I woke up after going to bed too late, and lying in bed too long, and my hair is thick and long and unruly like a bangla worker’s (and I’m sorry bangla workers for profiling you, for saying it like there’s anything wrong with being a bangla worker, like the term ‘bangla worker’ means anything)… and there are ants crawling all over my table, god knows why, and it is a mess.
today I haven’t done my pushups, i haven’t done my squats, i haven’t finished my resume, i haven’t mailed it out, today i am wondering why i sometimes allow myself to fester in the filth of my own inaction and ineptitude.
today i stumbled upon the blog of a peer from secondary school and man he’s doing well, he was an officer in the army and he’s in a foreign university and his commentary gets lots of likes, and i do feel a pang of jealousy- man, that guy has got it together better than i have. at the same time i remind myself to be happy for him, happy for his success, we both want the same thing, him and me, we want a more beautiful, compassionate singapore, a more beautiful compassionate world, and jealousy simply will not do
today i’m tidy up my bookmarks because it takes less effort than writing new things, and they have been such a painful weight on my mind this past year or so, and maybe later today you will see a nice elegant post of bullet points and bold headlines about the bookmarks i’ve accumulated over the years, why i’m keeping what i’m keeping, what i have to do, elegant plans, elegant ideas, everything nice and tidy… both sides of me are equally valid, equally true, i am a mess trying to make sense of itself, complexity borne out of chaos seeking order
today i am a tall skinny indian guy, too skinny, bad breath from dehydration and a smoking habit that needs to change, thankfully no body odor, a ring on my finger and a thick clump of hair that needs thinning, an ulcer in the mouth, itchy, slovenly, gross
but i am equally me, later i will take a shower and i will scrub real good and i will brush my teeth until my gums are a little raw and i will scrape my tongue and i will do my pushups and squats and i will feel my heart rate climb and i will tidy up the mess and i will deal with life because that takes a certain element of courage
yeah well fuck your courage when there are people in the world dying of cancer, people with gangrenous intestines from having been raped with iron rods so forcefully that they were ripped out, and she still has the will to live, she wakes up in hospital, asks for water, asks if the rapists have been caught, is determined to make a fucking difference
i will not be down i am not down there is much work to be done there is no time to feel sorry for oneself longer than the context of 15 minutes 1000 words
life needs living
ought to be focused on other people, think about other people, think about helping, think about doing something that matters, serving others, make a difference, help, contribute, be a part of something greater, don’t be bored, don’t stagnate, grow, grow, learn, grow, grow
at the very least capitalize your i’s for god’s sake you’re getting unbecomingly lazy
well sometimes i like to be lazy… it’s funny that i’m talking about being lazy while i’m typing as fast as i bloody possibly can so that i can’t slow down (i had to slow down at that moment, lol, because grammar)- go as fast as i can so that i don’t have the time to stop and overthink about what i’m trying to say, go as fast as i can so that my thoughts spill out before i can censor them, and maybe then i can look at them afterwards and find out who i really am
but of course there is no i, there is no really, there is no am, tis all an illusion, useful make-believe borne out of the self-interest of consciousness
but anyway this too will pass and it’s just interesting to think about it and 50 cent and robert greene came together to say turn shit to sugar so hopefully that’s what i’m doing, capturing some semblance of a wannabe snapshot of a mind in a mental state that it wouldn’t normally like to be captured in because it isn’t particularly in its best interests
no it isn’t particularly in its own perceived best self interests…
sometimes what is in your best interests is beyond your immediate imagination, this is the problem with a lack of imagination, logic will not get you anywhere beyond what is immediately accessible, the best solution may require a leap of faith, that’s not religion or spirituality talking, that’s how science is advanced, that’s how everything is advanced, that is the science of complexity
the science of complexity tells me that what i think is best for myself isn’t necsesarily what is best for myself and that I should try random fucking shit just to see what happens
and then of course it’s important to be rigorous after that, to take notes and make sense of yourself
today i am a slovenly sloppy lazy guy but I have been typing with great fury and now i will do a few other things, take a shower, get my hair thinned and sort myself out
woohoo