Let’s talk lifelong dreams. I just saw a picture of a guy at harvard looking out at the campus, and he said, “When things get competitive I try to sit back, play some guitar and remind myself it was my lifelong dream to be here.”
That got me thinking. What’s MY lifelong dream? As a really young kid as I was enamored with space. I had a set of Charlie Brown’s ‘Cyclopedia- it had about 15 books in it with nice pictures and beautiful text. (I think those books helped to inform my fundamental design principles quite a bit.)
I loved the Internet and I loved video games. I also enjoyed playing around with html: I saw it as means to an end, allowing me to create my own website in this collection of websites on the internet. I spent a lot of time accumulating images of video game characters. I’d print out entire game FAQs. I set out to write some myself- I wrote 2. Google “The 0rochi Slayer” to see the ridiculous amount of effort I put into that. (What I didnt know then was that nobody really cares about perfect character alignment- I didn’t flip the highest order bit- but I learned a lot and I had fun. )
My favourite sites on the internet might’ve been IncREDible Alert and sc3ku- websites that were guides to video games I enjoyed playing. I enjoyed the sandbox nature of simcity, and GTA. I loved exploring these realms and building something. I used to read certain books over and over. I’d read about egyptian civilization and how pyramids were built and how earthquakes and volcanos worked.
My persistence with video games was always something remarkable. I’d do the same thing over and over. I’d play the first act of Darkstone over and over, dying badly. I did not grasp the proper way to pay. Same for GTA2. Same for simcity. I got really good at metak slug x and streets of rage- but in both cases I’m not at the top achievable standard.
That’s the kicker isn’t it- I get good but never amazing, not yet. I’d play a flight simulator without ever getting off the runway. I’d spend vast amounts of time terraforming a landscape to make it flaw free, then build toi many roads and lose money because of maintenance costs. I’d play championship manager and do massive amounts of pre-season prep, then quit and start over when I inevitably lost a match. I’d create multiple new characters on vagabonds quest and bring them through the same old dungeon. Same for netropolis (which I still think is a fantastic idea in principle- probably represented by Eve online).
I’d play all these games, read all the strategy guides, but remain stuck at some sort of plateau. Why? I think it’s because a part of me enjoys the familiarity of it- it becomes a pleasant task cognitively, and there’s a state of flow you get from doing the same thing over and over.
I think there are some painful parallels between the way I play games and the way I live my life. I develop a certain affinity for discomfort avoidance. I remain stressed because I find the idea of committing to a stress reduction system too stressful. Why? I intellectually know that behind this little burst of stress is a reduced-strength existence. I know it intellectually. But I have never executed. Why?
To me it now seems clear that the problem is a lack of focus. Busting ruts requires focused persistence. It requires a certain activation energy. And we have somewhat limited energy. And I spread myself too thin.(I talked to my boss about this, and this is what he said: This is something you can try that might help you gather up enough activation energy. Envision the event that is not being effected by your lack of focus. Imagine how the world will be changed by the effects of the causal event you’re avoiding. If you feel strong enough emotions about what is being forsaken, that might work.)
I systematically underestimate my problems and I overestimate myself. I assume problems will be solved just my presence- which is necessary but insufficient. (Or to go mindful-meditation about it- my problems WILL be solved by my presence- but I’m rarely present.)
My presence is scattered. I’m everywhere but here or there. And I need to be here. I need to focus. I am here as I write this. It feels good. I have to stop seeking distractions to minimize discomfort- which I think is a practice I developed in school. (If this is true, then you shouldn’t expect the process of correcting this to be quick, easy or painless. It might help to acknowledge that it’ll be a difficult process and be prepared for it – by coming up with strategies for dealing with the times you stray. Maybe summarise all this into a sentence or two that you read each morning as a mantra to steady your mind. Or something else to that effect.)
Minimizing discomfort is not an optimal strategy- it’s just the easy and convenient way out. But nobody ever got amazing at something just by minimizing discomfort. No. They maximize pleasure instead. The pleasure of learning. Of growing. Of contributing beyond the self.
Minimize discomfort by walking away from toxic people and toxic spaces, yes. But not through distractions. You already know what needs to be done but the challenge is gathering the resources (which are ALREADY THERE, just scattered) and executing what is most important. Right now, for me, that means ending this here, eating breakfast and getting to work.
Vale. (Oh yeah I guess I didn’t bother with space because I’m in Singapore, no clear path to being an astronaut. My subsequent dream was to build spaces, communities and resources online- and offline, eventually, for people like myself. And when there’s enough of us gathered we WILL go to space.)
Funny note- this word vomit ended at 992 words, so I’m just adding words to make up the numbers. There have been vomits in the past that crossed 1200, 1300 words. But I just want every single vomit to cross 1,000 words, even though it’s a kind of silly metric. Something I’m learning is- sometimes kind-of-silly ideas can be helpful in execution. So heh. Now we’re at 1050+.