I had my last cigarette back in July 2014. I didn’t think that I would’ve stopped smoking so soon. I thought that I’d have to accomplish a whole bunch of “littler” things before I could quit smoking. At least, that was the plan. I thought I’d get my life in order first. Smoking helped me destress, and it helped me to ‘space out’ my day. It gave me a rhythm, it punctuated my otherwise unfocused, messy and chaotic life.
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I thought I would’ve learnt to sleep well before I quit smoking. I thought I would’ve learnt to eat well before I quit smoking. I thought I would have developed a regular exercise habit before I quit smoking. I thought I would be reading and writing regularly before I quit smoking. I thought I would learn to manage my time effectively before I quit smoking.
I quit smoking. I haven’t done any of the above yet. I find it simultaneously amusing and humbling.
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If I can quit smoking, I reasoned (and continue to reason), I should be able to do a lot of other things that are broadly recognised as less addictive. Because cigarettes are addictive, and you do kinda feel shitty when you stop. It’s tough. A lot of other things should be relatively less difficult.
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I did manage to wean myself off of social media after I quit smoking. That was an interesting. Did I think I was going to quit smoking before I quit social media? I can go back and read old vomits and check, and maybe I’ll do that at some point. I think I expected to quit social media first. But no, I quit smoking first. It’s a funny thing.
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What does all of this mean? It means somehow that I’m simultaneously more and less in control of myself than I like to think. More, in the sense that I can do things that I don’t quite feel are doable, and less, in the sense that… a lot of the things that I say I’m going to do, or say that I want to do, I’m not actually capable of doing in the short run.
To be more precise- there must have been something about the way that I quit smoking that was beyond my usual system for dealing with these things. My usual system sucks. My usual system involves me getting all pumped up, anxious, eager, excited, worried, frustrated, upset. My usual system involves big promises, grand plans, imprecise scheduling, imprecise commitments, failing, fucking up, promising to do better next time.
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It seems to me that if I reverse engineer my smoking cessation, I should be able to apply it to other things that I’ve been trying to change. What were the components of my smoking cessation?
* Buying an ashtray- ironically, making an investment in the ‘temporary habit’ made me feel really bad. It’s like… earlier I had sorta-managed to kinda-fool myself into sorta-thinking that this was temporary. Buying an ashtray makes it very real, and very permanent.
* Jason Mraz – somebody who made the transition, made the change, and seemed really happy for it. I think there are a few “ex skinny guys” that I can strive to emulate.
* Allan Carr – somebody who studied the problem intimately and understood it better than anyone else
* A group of people I wanted to distance myself from. Or a circumstance, or an idea. I had a clear sense of “I don’t want to be that.”
* A group of people I wanted to impress, be a part of. I had a clear sense of “I want in.”
* A frustration with the cycle of misery- “Eventually” was starting to frustrate me because I had revisited it over and over again.
The money wasn’t actually a big deal for me.
So I guess I should start doing this for my other habits. I should probably pick just one and focus on that before anything else.
– The most painful/scary one might be cooking. I’m irrationally afraid of cooking, because it’s all so vague and opaque and scary to me. If I can fix that I’ll probably start eating more, eating better. This will probably give me the most utility, or second most.
– Exercising regularly might be relatively easy to adopt. I simply think of it as anti-anxiety medicine. When I’m stressed, I feel shitty inside. My stomach starts cramping up, I get nauseous. I imagine these are physiological “fight/flight cortisol something something” systems (derp derp) that get resolved. So maybe I should start there.
– I’ve started meditating too, again (everything is “again”, again, because I start and stop things over and over again. Just like I used to quit smoking over and over again, until I finally stopped for real.)
– I should be writing everyday. This… should just be a part of a morning or evening habit. Whenever I meditate, I rediscover the simple truths, like “I ought to exercise”, “I ought to prioritize/manage my time”.
Hm… looking at all of those, I think the meditation habit makes the most sense. Just sitting in silence quietly, breathing and allowing thoughts to come and go though my mind, allowing my body to relax. It then helps me figure out what the best next steps ought to be. It’s like making a commitment to tuning your instrument, or sharpening your axe.
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Okay. So should I plot out the journey for those things other than meditating? I know who I like- Jon Kabat-Zinn, Guruka Singh, bunch of other folks. I know what I don’t want- I don’t want to be so stressed and anxious and worried all the time. I want to be able to enjoy my life, spend time with my wife, smile as I walk, appreciate the present moment instead of rushing from point A to B while looking at C. Is there any specific reading I need to do? I’ve watched the videos already. I can watch them again. And again. I know that repetition makes things stronger. And I find Jon very soothing, so it’s good. What do I want into? Clarity. Piece of mind. Deep, slow breaths.
I will rest a while now, having written this. I will figure out what to do while I’m resting, and then I will execute.
Oh yeah, I realize- I think the 25 minute pomodoro system is actually too long for me. My ADHD/general failness requires me to commit to smaller timeboxes. I’m switching to 5 mins, 10 mins. This took 2x 10 mins to write. See ya.