For as long as I can remember, I have always despaired at the ugliness and cruelty of the world. It’s a big part of why I do what I do. I chose to spend years of my life writing books like “Friendly Ambitious Nerd” and “Introspect” – books about how to be a more loving, curious, kind, gentle, prosocial person – in large part because I was so horrified by all of the cruelties of the world, and I wanted to do my part to help.
Y’know, comparatively speaking, these books don’t really sell very well. If you wanted to make money, there are much more effective ways to do it. I used to work in marketing, selling software. And furthermore as a student of marketing I know how to appeal to people’s weaknesses, to their insecurities. I know how to paint a target, incite outrage, invoke disgust, I could make a lot more money and clout that way. but I wanted to do something good, something meaningful. Something that I felt would bring a little more light into a dark, cruel world. Something that my kid-self could be proud of.
Right now, horrors are going on in Gaza. I remember a few years ago when it was Aleppo, I journalled an essay then despairing about how helpless and pathetic I felt. Before that there was Darfur. Always there are horrors. Even if we put aside the active war zones, there are horrors. The spectre looms everywhere. Domestic violence. Child abuse. Exploitation. There are even, sickeningly, people who join volunteer groups with the specific intent of preying on the vulnerable.
How do we stop these horrors? I don’t know. I have my beliefs about the bigger picture ecologies and ecosystems, but that’s no consolation to anybody who’s living in fear of the next bomb, anybody who’s grieving the loss of friends and family, witnessing the disfigurement and dismemberment of body and soul. I don’t feel like I have any meaningful levers to pull to directly address a conflict that’s already incredibly televised and scrutinized. I’m reminded of that meme depicting the trolley problem, but with no lever, only victims: “you can only watch”. And there’s more horror to see than ever.
There have always been people begging and pleading and protesting and praying for peace, for justice. Sometimes I’ve felt like I’m one of them, sometimes I’ve felt like an imposter amongst them. I spent my earliest years as a blogger ranting and raving about injustice and it didn’t seem to accomplish anything substantial other than getting people more angry. Part of me felt like a sucker for trying. Part of me felt like I had to try anyway. This conflict continues within me unresolved. Ayy lmao?
So yeah, where I’m at in life is: I try to help people in the ways that I know how. I write my books and my essays and tweets and they help some people feel less alone, less afraid, less incompetent, less despondent. and that frees up a little capacity in each of them to maybe help some of their own neighbors with something else. My wish is that over my lifetime I will be able to compound this into something more and more substantial. But idk if I will ever be someone who contributes to the resolution of armed conflicts. Yknow? Must we expect a nutritionist to also be a surgeon? Something about the expectation of everyone needing to be informed about everything and have a take on everything etc has always struck me as profoundly unsustainable. I see people crash and burn every year from trying to live up to the impossible.
If you think I’m tedious and overdramatic and self-indulgent etc, sure, join the club, it’s led by my 12-year-old self who knew all of these things about me already. If you’re going to think lowly of me for being an imperfect person reacting imperfectly while sleep deprived from caring for an infant, realistically we were never gonna be friends anyway.
At the end of our days the person each of us will have to answer to is ourselves, or God, if you believe. the world spins madly on, and we each do what we can, flawed as we are. happy new year
2023-12-31 · 741 likes · 55 retweets · 231 bookmarks · View on X