Wow, I haven’t done a word vomit in a really long time. It’s been almost two or three weeks. That’s a little bit embarrassing. I quite certainly fell off the bandwagon there. What has remained unchanged, though, is how I feel about it. I feel that it’s necessary, something that I need to do. And so I am doing it. I may not be entirely on track. But I am doing it. And I must keep doing it.
It’s interesting to pay attention to how easy it is to make excuses. Some of them are valid, but then and again- if you want something badly enough, you’ll fight to keep it alive. A huge part of it is about being smart- about paying attention to your environment, about changing your environment to suit your goals and intentions- because whether we realize it or not, we certainly do respond to the setting that we are in.
I also realize that I have to make time to do this, rather than wait for it, or hope for it. I’m squeezing it out now while she takes a shower before we head off. Why not, you know? It might not be the perfect time but there’s never a perfect time. You just gotta do what needs to be done.
I wasn’t expecting to be in the position that I’m in right now. I was hoping to get a job with SIA as cabin crew, as an air steward. I reasoned that it was the perfect job- I would be able to travel, the salary’s pretty high considering the qualifications required, and I would have downtime between trips to do all the writing I’ve been intending to do.
Again, I create this condition where I count on an ideal situation to manifest itself before I can write. That’s not how it works. You have to write no matter what. That’s the deal.
I got employed. I got headhunted by a tech startup, and today was my first day of work. I enjoyed it very much. I haven’t completely dived into the deep end yet, but I love what I see. I think the startup working environment is near-ideal for me. I almost didn’t want to go home at the end of the day, because I was working on something that I found interesting. I actually found myself wanting to stay, to finish what I was doing. If I didn’t have other things to worry about, I’d probably have ended up staying there until midnight, and find myself stranded with no way home except an expensive cab ride home.
But that kind of excites me. I think that’s a good thing, it’s wonderful to be in a situation where you love your work so much that you can lose yourself in it. Of course, one should always take pains to ensure that she doesn’t sacrifice her life for her work. Well, unless the work is more important than her life. There may be situations like that. But I don’t think that’s the position I’m in. I think that it’s much easier to hold yourself in check while in the midst of something you love- as opposed to trying to get interested and excited about things you don’t really care too much about.
She described to me today her frustration and general mental exhaustion from dealing with her current working arrangement. It reminds me of my experience as a storeman and general-purpose pinball during national service. Now that I have had some time to reflect on my experiences, I realize that Basic Training (which I uniquely only got to do towards the end of my military service) was the most meaningful and enjoyable part of my entire NS experience. Yes, I had less free time, but there was something about it- being a part of a unit, having a schedule to follow (and making it), getting things done together, knowing in advance what needs to be done- it was physically tiring but it was a beautiful experience.
In contrast, being a storeman-in-limbo was mentally exhausting. I’m not saying that being a storeman itself is exhausting- what was exhausting about my unique circumstances is that it was never clear how long I was going to be staying in any particular position for any period of time. While I was with the Commandos, I couldn’t fully invest in my experience because I knew I would have to leave sooner or later- I just didn’t know when. Same thing happened over and over again as I got posted around. I couldn’t set roots in any particular unit (though I still have a soft spot for my very first HQ CDO family).
I feel for military brats and other kids that have to travel regularly/endlessly, never being able to take root anywhere. (Though I suppose if you’re travelling around with the same people, you’ll at least be able to take comfort in your relationships with them- in my case I was being bounced around a large organization and my teammates and superiors would change every time. I learnt to detach myself from my experiences.
I enjoyed all the little interactions I had with all the men (and women) I encountered with over the years- I’ve been reading Jane Jacobs and she describes how, when a street kid gets disciplined or scolded by a public figure (like the owner of a shop), not only does he learn to avoid trouble, he learns that there are people out there who care about what happens to him. And this is a sort of social, public education that you can’t pay people to give- because it’s the concern or interest of people who AREN’T being paid to take care of you- that creates the intended educational effect.
Similarly, my NS experiences taught me that most of us are quite alright, we all have the same hopes and dreams and fears…
I didn’t finish this, I had to go away halfway. But This will make it cross 1,000, and I got to keep going. Keep going.