My last blogpost got significantly more attention than any of my other word vomits. (I was going to say “a surprising amount of attention”, which would then follow with “but actually I’m not surprised”, and “obviously all my work deserves everybody’s attention”, and “ha ha I am so narcissistic” and “ha ha I am aware of the self-reflexive loop of recursion going on”…)
Anyway. It’s cool that it received and continues to receive the attention it did, and I think it’s because I was luckily able to communicate something that resonated with people. What was particularly interesting was how little effort I put into figuring out what exactly I was going to say. It was one of the most ramble-without-editing posts I’ve written, even for a word vomit. But I had been thinking about it for a long, long time. At some point earlier in the day I was on the way to work and I found myself thinking, “How do you teach people to be responsible?” A whole bunch of stuff going on in my mind, something clicked. The moment I got to work, I was itching to write, to explore via writing (which is my favourite kind of writing, which is the kind of writing I’m doing right now). And I realize that it makes me happy, that it feels good, and that it’s incredibly powerful stuff. I should write in this state as much as possible, and I should seek this state as much as possible. Easier said than done maybe, but it’s something to meditate on.
I started reading Flow by Mihaly C. a few minutes ago. The concept is not new to me, I’ve seen it described before, I kind of understand what it’s about- I believe it’s been alluded to in popular culture quite a bit, and I’ve heard artists and writers talk about it. Still, I started reading it and before I even got to the first chapter I found myself overwhelmed with thoughts that I had to pour out- so I made the executive decision to pause reading and commence writing, and here I am. This might not be particularly meaningful or insightful in of itself since I’m just describing what’s going on, but I think it’s a habit that I want to cultivate. When the muse comes, you have to act on it. I believe Rework from 37 Signals describes how inspiration is perishable- if you don’t act on it when you feel it, it’s unlikely to set you on fire the way it typically does.
Amused to realize that some of the greatest flow I’ve experienced has been when I’m arguing with people on the internet. I’m not sure if I’ve ever experienced flow as musician. Maybe in bits and pieces, occasionally. The greatest flow I’ve s had would probably be reading books as a child, sometimes when playing video games, sometimes when writing. Well- fairly often when writing. Sometimes I’ve felt flow while doing pushups or even while cleaning the dishes. (I know that this isn’t v tery helpful or illuminating writing, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay to achieve my goal. You’re really not obliged to read this.)
What’s the goal? The goal as a writer is to write 1,000,000 words. Why? Why not? I just plain like the idea. Sure, I could just write “boobs boobs I love boobs oh man boobs are awesome” or something similar, but I don’t want to. That doesn’t gratify me. It’s also unlikely that something of immense value is going to emerge if you’re just shooting for raw numbers. I’m not really just shooting for raw numbers, though. I’m trying to build a habit. That’s what I’m trying to do with my trivial 20 (now 30) pushups-and-squats-twice-a-day habit. It’s small, but I want it to be persistent. I want it to be something I do until I die. I want to write until I die. I want to read until I die. I do think I’d also like to keep improving as a musician until I die, even if I never becoming an established artist. Music makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. Contemplation makes me happy. Reflection makes me happy. Heartfelt conversations make me happy. I believe that effective routines and discipline will make me happy, too.
At the end of this particular word vomit I would ht ave written over 50,000 words in the service of this seemingly pointless indulgence. How do I feel about that? That’s pretty cool. When I was a teenager, me and a friend challenged each other to write novels. We couldn’t do it. I never went past about 2,000 words. And here I am with 50,000. How does it feel? I’m just getting started, man. 50,000 is nothing. It’s unimpressive. I’ve probably written more words just arguing on the internet. I’ve got several hundred pages of Tumblr reblogs. I’ve tweeted 12,000 tweets, and if there are just 4 words per tweet, I’d have tweeted more than I’d have written. 50,000 is not impressive, Visa. And it doesn’t mean anything. I could discard everything and start over. What matters is the flow of doing it. The number is ultimately inconsequential when you look back. It’s just something to work towards.
I suppose 100,000 will be a nice milestone. 250,000 will feel satisfying. 500,000 will be exciting. I can’t imagine anything after that. Who will I be, what will I be talking about, what sort of impact will I be having in the world, what will I be accelerating?
When Elon Musk was talking to Salman Khan at Khan Academy (YouTube “elon musk khan”), he talks about how he wants Tesla to accelerate the phenomenon of electric vehicles. He knows that it’s going to happen anyway. Nobody is indispensable in the world- not even Led Zeppelin and U2 and Jesus and Leonardo da Vinci. The world is a vast and beautiful complex system and it is not so fragile as to be dependent on a single person. But individuals have the ability to help accelerate things. That’s the difference you can make in the world. You might not be able to single-handedly change the world overnight, but you’re able to make good things happen faster, or slow bad things down.
I want to accelerate humanity’s ascent to space. We’ve sent a few token people up there, for mostly political purposes. We need to get more people up there. To achieve this, I need to develop skills, gather resources, build connections, an audience. I want to be a writer, a popularizer, a diplomat of sorts. I want to help save people time and energy as they figure out what they should be doing with their time and lives.
Of course, I’m still figuring out myself. I need to become a responsible person, first of all. I have a lot of work to do on myself, so that I can contribute more. This is just me defining the mission that I need to serve. A line that my boss used on me that I loved was- you’ve never struggled very much, have you? What is the struggle you need to undertake? Something like that. Struggle. The idea of struggling towards something that you want. Isn’t that beautiful? So much of struggle so far has been about avoiding pain and difficulty and frustration. Struggle to keep some space to yourself, struggle to be comfortable. Now the challenge is shifting, the struggle for meaning, for purpose, to contribute.
It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s challenging, it’s beautiful. To grow. To be gritty. To achieve flow. This came out of me like water. Back to reading, now.
Oh yeah, 50/1,000. Fyeah.