I was really tired last night and figured that I must’ve been sleep deprived. So I went to bed at something like 830 pm after eating dinner and showering. And I woke up at about 1230am. I didn’t know what to do at 1230am. I decided to go make myself a protein shake, because I’m still sore from the previous day’s workout. And then I came back to bed, but I couldn’t quite fall asleep. So I ended up just scrolling through Facebook, Twitter and Imgur on my phone. Which amused me at times, but next thing I know it’s 330am. And I’m not sleepy. And I find myself thinking… did I really just spend 3 hours on my phone? My first thought is “That’s not good.” I could’ve spent that time writing word vomits or reading something more interesting, maybe.
But then I’m also thinking, maybe I need to give myself a break. There are at least two parts to thinking about this.
1. There seems to be some sort of wisdom inherent to the body about what it wants. Time you enjoy wasting is time well spent. In praise of idleness, etc. The thing is to be mindful and meditative about it, so you know when to stop. Ideally.
2. At the same time, I find myself thinking about addiction. The smoker will do anything to justify having another cigarette. “Wisdom inherent in the body” be subverted by supernormal stimuli and manifest as things like a sugar addiction, a porn addiction, and an internet notifications addiction of some kind.
3. Can #2 be transcended through meditation and self-love and mindfulness? Maybe.
4. What is somewhat clearer is– you can’t get through #2 by being a disciplinarian. Beating myself up and making myself feel bad about how I’ve “wasted” my time is a sad and shitty way to live, and is not the kind of person I want to be. It doesn’t work. Left unchecked it becomes a cycle of drama, ego, failure.
So let me try to be honest with myself here. What’s really happening right now? I’m writing a word vomit because I feel frustrated. I was hoping to go to bed early and wake early. I did go to bed early, but I woke up in the middle of the night. I suppose I had no clear protocol for how to deal with that. I needed to pee, so I got up and went to pee. And I got back to bed and I didn’t feel sleepy any more. At this point I should probably have started writing– not because I’m obliged to, but because it would’ve made me happy to have written. At some point while exploring thoughts in my head, I found myself thinking “oh I’m just 25 vomits away from 600, that would be nice”. Not that I want to be fixated on the numbers entirely, but you get what I mean.
Having spent a couple of hours on the phone, mindlessly consuming, I find myself thinking that “I need to get this frustration and resentment out of my system so I can get a bit more sleep with some calm, and start the day right”. It’s 4am now. Should I try to sleep? What time will I wake up if I do? I would be annoyed if I didn’t wake up before 9am, because I really want to change my sleeping habits. Should I just stay awake, and maybe work from home and take a midday nap? That sounds somewhat pleasant and doable. Should I try and get more word vomits out after this one? Maybe go through my email, stuff like that? I don’t know. I don’t have a protocol for thinking about this. I suppose I might as well spend the rest of this vomit thinking about it.
I should work backwards from my priorities. What is my biggest priority in life? I guess this is revealing to me that I’m not actually clear about what is most important. I think health should be technically most important but I’m not sure if that’s actually true. I think there are a bunch of things I probably care about more than my health, but have been reluctant to admit. I think I desire social status– prestige and dominance, as described by Melting Asphalt. Why do I want social status? Well, to some degree all humans want social status. We’re human. It’s a human thing. Social status helps us survive, and so it’s pleasurable to have it. But why do I seem to want it more than most people, or want it in a different way than most people? Or ignoring “most people” all together, how exactly do I want it? Before we dig into whether status is something worth pursuing or not, what sort of hole am I trying to fill?
I think it really always boils down to my childhood, my upbringing, my starting conditions. I’m still trying to make up for who I was as a kid. I’m still trying to compensate or overcompensate for those things. And a part of me recognizes that this can be unhealthy, and that I should stop projecting and just let that shit go and start over. Every moment is an opportunity to start over. But I also have this indulgence, I suppose. I’m still angry about the way I was treated by people who “should’ve known better”, but didn’t. I recognize that it’s not their fault– it’s nobody’s fault and nobody’s to blame– but there is still something in my life that I’m compensating for. This narrative might be cheesy and oversimplistic but in a meaningless universe I’m happy to take it and exploit it while it lasts– this idea that I was silly and stupid and naive, and then I got burnt for it, I got hurt, and that I had a “turn” as a result and have been scheming to turn all of that pain and frustration into something beautiful and good. That I would be validated for who I am and what I do, and what I create and produce.
Should I go to bed? Let’s publish this and see if something else comes to mind. I think we’ll have maybe another two vomits before I’ve “discharged” what’s on my mind.