— 1 —
As I get older I feel this subtle-but-strong pressure to become more “professional” – more “civil”, more “mature”, more even-handed. Most of the time this is a good thing. But I’ve also discovered that sometimes this impulse can mean tolerating things we shouldn’t tolerate.
There’s no nice way to say it: some people are assholes. The mature thing to do is to focus on the behavior, not the person. But regardless, asshole behavior is real, and it’s a problem – a huge problem, actually, because assholism has a way of hijacking and derailing good things
Tolerating asshole behavior is a choice that can seem neutral – by refusing to intervene, we can perpetuate the myth that we’ve kept our hands clean. And intervention is often messy, and often very costly to the interventionist(s). It’s also sometimes the right thing to do.
Of course, it’s not ALWAYS the right thing to do. This is partially what the stereotype of the rude, disruptive & unproductive SJW is rooted in. I’ve met self-described SJWs who are total assholes. It’s *complicated*. Reality often is. Let’s try and tease it apart layer by layer?
The other part (whether it’s the bigger or smaller part depends on your context) of the stereotype of the shitty SJW is invented by assholes who use character assassination to avoid accountability for their actions. Lots to consider when trying to make sense of what’s up
In my experience, lots of people (most?) want quiet, not justice for others. Here’s a depressingly common scenario: something bad is happening, and nobody notices… until someone draws attention to it. The fastest, easiest way to solve the scenario is to get rid of the *person*.
“If you see something, say something”
Person: *sees something, says something*
Boss: Ah, well. I don’t see anything. Does anyone else see anything?
Everyone else: *silent*
Boss: Seems like you need your eyes checked, mate! Maybe you’re not cut out for this environment?
There’s a non-zero chance that the person might’ve gotten a false positive. That said, in my experience (which is limited), most serious people who decide to report something *agonize* over it. They second-guess themselves, cross-reference with friends and peers. “Am I crazy?”
Circling back – let’s talk about assholes and civility. Most people recognise that Prof. Umbridge in Harry Potter was a polite asshole – and this often made people hate her even more than Voldemort, who was more of a sincere asshole. It’s easy to get into a semantic mess here…
Simplistically, I think there are two variables: Power – the ability to influence the outcome materially. Withholding someone’s paycheck. Pointing a gun in their face Language – the words you use, but also the format, the theatrics, your outfit. It’s the whole package
People with power and privilege have the luxury of being able to be infinitely civil, and to demand it of others. (Sometimes powerful people still manage to be utterly disrespectful, coarse and uncouth in their language. I feel embarrassed for them. But they’re easy to deal with)
People who are disenfranchised are often understandably unwilling to expend time and energy keeping up the appearance of civility. If your child was wrenched from your arms, I think most would agree that you deserve a few swear words at the people who took her from you.
Just got reminded of a quote that’s thematically relevant:
There’s another quote somewhere about how non-violence resistance movements work – they work because violence doesn’t, and violence doesn’t because the moment you’re violent, those with more power are justified in using MORE violence to clamp you down, detain you, beat you
Do you see the game here? If you have power, you can maintain a veneer of civility while using your power (or even the implied threat of it!) to contain your victims in a difficult scenario – push them (legally, civilly) until they slip up. Then politely unleash hell on their ass
This is the same game that allows someone to be a robber-baron of sorts, amass wealth through maybe-unscrupulous means, then white-wash their reputation through subsequent acts of charity. I’m not calling out anybody here, just the game itself
The game is also extremely… gameable. It‘s not hard for a powerful asshole to earn public sympathy by doing a PR campaign focused on the worst of his enemies. People are terrible at coordinating actions. Somebody’s going to say something overboard (eg threatening children)
“Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed; everything else is public relations.” I find myself thinking about the CNN town hall where the Stoneman Douglas shooting survivors – *kids* – were grilling their representatives with hard questions about funding
Correct me if I’m wrong (I might be!) – it seemed to me that the kids were asking harder questions than journalists usually do. Is this true? If so, why? My guess is that it’s because the kids are freer than journalists, who may have to worry about maintaining relationships
— 2 —
Sometimes I get micro-flashbacks to my more abrasive days & I suddenly remember that there are probably around a billion people who don’t give a shit about other people, who find their suffering funny, and believe that this aloof “can’t faze me” attitude will somehow insulate them
The worst thing about being that sort of person is that you end up mostly surrounded with other people like yourself (there’s also usually an underclass of younger, needier pick-me groupie types who hang in these circles, eager to do all the thankless cleanup)
It’s very possible to spend your entire life being a narcissistic manipulative asshole and actually have a comfortable life because of it, with compliant empath types falling for your manipulations. I see the path clearer than ever. IRL, Regina knows not to get hit by the bus
Theoretically it should be possible to sort of unionize against the assholes and starve them out. (In a sense that’s what MeToo is accomplishing.) Manipulative people rely on pitting people against each other to maintain their power, on conspiracies of silence
It does seems to be that so many people are so stupid, so bad at organising effectively, so prone to pointless, unproductive in-fighting, that selfish narcissists eventually infiltrate & dominate every human network, then dismantle it for profit, or just ruin it incompetently
— 3 —
The public is insufficiently educated on how to be a good public
I think this is civilisation-specific (ie not an issue for a egalitarian hunter-gatherers who live enmeshed lives). And I think appreciating this requires appreciating that civilisation is hierarchical, stratified. The reality of status hierarchies is starker than we articulate
Nobody introduces you to sexism 101, racism 101 or status heirarchies 101 when you’re a child. This is something you have to learn through fumbling experience and unverified hearsay, the way most people learn about sex
Circling back. The public isn’t educated to be a good public because it isn’t in the interest(s) of the ruling class, not really. The public is educated to obey, to regulate & be regulated, to work. There are lots of shitty smartbro takes on this, but underlying truth remains
Many (most?) people fantasize about being a king, queen, prince, princess. Many (most?) people secretly know that the public commons is a dumpster fire, and aspire to have enough power to avoid being trampled by the great herd of humanity
In the short run, for the quarterly report, the public yields the most profits when it is most anxious, fearful, outraged, disgusted. If you advocate for fewer ads, less hyperbole, a better user experience, you’ll probably get replaced by someone else who doesn’t care
In the earliest conceptualization of “civilised” humanity, there were the rulers and the serfs. The masters and the slaves. The bougies and the proles. The clever trick of late-stage capitalism is selling gold-plated chains as a substitute for liberty
It’s tempting at this point to point a finger at a mysterious Man who’s Out To Get Us And maybe some people bear more responsibility than others for kickstarting the profit-seeking hyperdrive But correcting it will IMO require a planetary effort that has never been coordinated
I changed my mind about something halfway in that last tweet I was going to say “we are all responsible, it’s our collective insecurity”. I’m not so sure that’s accurate apart from in the most superficial sense. the asshole problem is real
Assholes are the 1% of people that cause 74% of the problems everywhere they go. The challenge is to deal with assholes without becoming an asshole yourself in the process. It’s sadly-funny and true that anti-assholes are some of the worst assholes.
— 4 —
(2018nov21) I think a major theme of my life’s work is going to be “how do we coordinate effectively to solve the asshole problem”.
Assholes come in all shapes and sizes everywhere – rich, poor, male, female, trans, disabled, white, black, straight, gay… assholes are perhaps the most truly diverse and intersectional demographic.
Mainstream social justice in the early 2010s got contaminated by assholes who were semi-indifferent to justice and hijacked it to pursue their goals of vengeance.
Some assholes are relatively more culpable than others.
The cycle of trauma means abusers often turn victims into assholes too, which is something that’s difficult to acknowledge and talk about.
Anti-assholes can become even worse assholes than the perhaps-relatively-innocuous assholes who made them. They can be weaponized, vengeful asshole vigilantes. I hear about this so often in private, and/but almost never in public. Everyone has an AAA relative or acquaintance.
The reason I think is that average people are scared of confronting assholes, scared of inviting the wrath of assholes. Assholes can harass and harangue you for hours, days, months, years. Causing you pain, misery and shame is what gets them off.
Because we’re so bad and slow at coordinating action with one another (which is, as far as I can tell, a necessary prerequisite for calmly and firmly shutting assholes down), individual assholes are allowed to terrorize & dominate everything from house parties to the White House.
Assholes make up about 1% of most groups, cause about 75% of the damage, and ruin everybody’s experience. And we let them, because we still haven’t learned to do better.
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defeat assholes by ignoring them https://www.vox.com/conversations/2017/9/26/16345476/stanford-psychologist-art-of-avoiding-assholes
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There was a period of time where people on Twitter seemed very gleeful about punching Nazis, and the idea of punching Nazis.
Now, I think Nazis are trash. But I’m not sure punching them is the best approach.
To take it a step further, if I were a Nazi (I’m not), I would be absolutely certain to use any Nazi-punching videos and rhetoric as a part of my recruitment strategy.
✱
the following section was from a list of my twitter threads:
It’s a surprisingly small group of people who ruin things for everyone else, but we’re generally bad at dealing with them. If we can get better at dealing with assholes, we can get better at sustaining good communities and common spaces where everyone else can flourish.
- how do we coordinate effectively to solve the asshole problem?
- assholes make up ~1% of groups and cause ~75% of the damage
- it’s important to distinguish contempt from hate
- telling assholes to stop being assholes almost never works
- consider from time to time if you are the asshole
- you can “keep your hands clean” by tolerating assholes, but this leads to worse outcomes for everyone
- it takes very few assholes to ruin everything for everyone
- assholes can be smart, and they know how to maximize the effectiveness of their cruelty
- why spend time fighting with assholes when you can build nourishing relationships with friends?
- bad actors are insufficiently penalized for the far-reaching consequences of their actions
- asshole cowards live in fear of other asshole cowards
- manipulative assholes rely on conspiracies of silence – they pit people against each other
- abusive people can be charming, and abuse victims can turn into assholes
- micro-flashbacks to my own asshole days
- maintaining toxic relationships to ‘keep it real’