(original 2018 thread) it’s funny to consider how much of the conversation around things like “what makes you unique, what makes you different” is dominated by people who aren’t really all that unique or different. I don’t mean this as a putdown or a jab, it’s just one of those optical illusions.
people who are really, truly different in non-trivial ways know the truth: deviation from the norm will be punished unless it is exploitable.
framed another way: if you aren’t punished for the ways in which you are different, then your difference is, within that social context, merely cosmetic and ultimately inconsequential. people who are eager to label themselves contrarians are usually people whose contrarianism doesn’t truly cost them – either because the cost is trivial in the absolute sense, or trivial in their framework.
sometimes you have martyr types who want to go out in a blaze of glory (eg amos yee). these are usually kids with a sense that they have nothing to lose. my criticism is that ultimately the max impact these people have is constrained by their short-sightedness. quickly forgotten.
I think most of the people who are truly different + lead wholesome lives are people who really make the effort to non-judgementally study the environments that they’re embedded in (Obama’s life is a great case study, even if you leave out the Presidency)
Which brings me to the NPC meme. Using the NPC meme is typically an attempt to reduce some other person into a predictable shell script. And, considering my own life experience as someone who didn’t fit in, and contrasting that with the people who use the NPC meme…
You only use the NPC meme if you can get away with it. Meaning that insulting other people, diminishing them, reducing them, doesn’t cost you. That’s a privilege I have never really known. if I attack and insult the people around me, I still have to face them tomorrow.
I could do it anonymously, maybe, but that’s time and energy spent on trying to make other people feel bad, that I could’ve spent investing in myself and my own relationships instead. It’s a full time job just keeping up with my own responsibilities, obligations, commitments.
Where do assholes find the time?
if you’re truly different, you don’t get to think of yourself as an NPC, even if you want to– because you’re just constantly being called out. things just keep happening to you just for existing. you might WANT to be an NPC, and even try to be one – but in that case, then you wouldn’t look down on other people for being NPC-esque.
which I think brings me to the tentative conclusion that it’s really NPCs who hate on other NPCs. it’s self-hatred expressed outwards.
Circling back to the start. I honestly don’t believe there’s anything wrong with not-being-different, not-being-unique. I’m sure there’s a great playbook to a nourishing, wholesome life in there. It’s funny… we do everybody a disservice in the way we treat “great people”.
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you cannot significantly deviate from the norm without being treated as a suspicious deviant. i find this to be one of the simplest and most self-evident truths about socializing that smart people continually seem surprised about.
this includes trying to be deviantly good, moral, kind, just, etc, because “who the fuck do you think you are? you think you’re better than us? you think we’re not good enough? you think we’re less than? fuck you, man!” they’ll valorize you once you’re dead of course
“but i’m not doing anything wrong? in fact i am trying to do less wrong?” being less wrong can be a punishable offence in spaces where people bond over their collective wrongness.
it is also a punishable offence to know people too well in spaces where people bond over their collective unknowing. the word “weird” originally meant “one with the power to control fate”.
at best, you get to be the village witch, who is tolerated but treated with fear and suspicion. but u know what they do to witches when shit gets bad. all real deviants know.
some of the fun things that can make you a deviant in other people’s eyes: being curious – having a memory – having a conscience – having a sense of humor – refusing to participate in ritual cruelty (including and maybe especially towards yourself).
“Precisely at the point when you begin to develop a conscience you must find yourself at war with your society.” – James Baldwin
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all deviants share a fraternal bond
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I’ve said this a couple of times but it hits me different each time: the willingness and eagerness to be independent – to not say what others are saying… is a competitive advantage.
Lots of people are constantly looking for permission from other people to say something. And that’s not the worst thing in the world, if anything it’s the most normal and human thing in the world. But the lesson for me is that it’s best to either start a thing or to be early to a trend.
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(original thread) all my life I have underestimated how radical it is to have self-directed attention. to me it’s normal to like what I like and do what I feel like doing. turns out this is deviant as heck
my parents ran their own business so they basically did whatever they wanted, no bosses to answer to, no promotions to earn. if they wanted more money they just sought out more clients. if they wanted to just sit on their ass, they could. dad would come home for lunch, why not
from time to time I get DMs from someone who grew up in opposite reality – born and raised on a schedule, their attention carefully managed for them, never playing hooky, and now they’re 30 years old and have no idea who they are or what they want and they’re *looking to be told*
and it can be a very trippy, confusing, frustrating, fascinating conversation, like we speak completely different languages. Their questions are influenced by deference to hierarchy, to authority. They often seem to want my approval, or they want to associate with me
a couple of guys have even asked things like “how come you don’t follow me, what can I do to get you to follow me?” or “I want to hang out with you, how do I make that happen?” and I’m like… why? Why do you want that? I’m not giving enough context but there is a vibe…
It can be subtly dehumanizing (the whole vibe, not just these phrases in particular), like they don’t even really see you as a person, they don’t even really see themselves as a person, everything is checkboxes and trophies and passing tests and keeping up appearances
I’m much likelier to enjoy hanging out with someone who enjoys hanging out with themselves, I don’t even have to think about it, I just join in their play, it now feels like the most natural thing in the world. I did have to work hard to learn to play well with others
Bc my self-directed natural playstyle growing up was quite abrasive and rough, inherited from moderately rough environments. (Hey, I grew up most on 90s/00s internet!) I’ve worked to become more gracious, patient over the years and I’m really glad I did, it is a much better life
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tbc
see also: greatness is deviance, status regulation
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